Lessons in Drunkenness

You know that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week I was having?

Well, I thought I could do with some more wallowing. I met my friend for a late brunch in the East Village* yesterday. I thought, a couple of hours of reminiscing with a college friend, comfort food, and some drinks. Couldn’t hurt.

From 2:45pm to 7pm was pretty awesome. Southern-fried comfort food, Pensylvannia-born craft beers. I figured, no problem. Turns out I’m an amateur bruncher.

Here are some of the lessons I learned between 7pm and 9:30pm:

Lesson #1: What you shouldn’t do after a 4-hour brunch is find the Italian pastry-coffee shop. Ain’t no espresso going to overcome the 8 pounds of sugar and dairy you’re packing in on top of the gallon of beer and grease you’ve got stored in ‘ya.

Lesson #2: Don’t leave any location without using the bathroom. You may not think you need to, but you will.

Lesson #3: Before embarking on a neighborhood crawl, always map out neutral locations with bathrooms. Duane Reades don’t seem to have customer facilities. McDonald’s seems to close their bathroom after 9pm. Some deli guys will just give you a dirty look if you ask for their bathrooms.

Lesson #4: Always look for the Irish bar. They seem to be used to patrons (of any nationality) making assumptions of how to indulge in an Irish bar. They have single-stall bathrooms for privacy, and lots of dark hallways for anonymity. You may also run into the sympathetic bartender who’ll give you ginger ale and put on the Kentucky game for you.

Lesson #4: When you’re wandering around delis and pharmacies, always grab a bottle of water.

Lesson #5: Drink that water.

Lesson #6: Take the subway home, for as long as you can. You’ll have more money for a cab if you need it.

Lesson #7: Don’t fall asleep on the subway. This way, you’ll know when it is you need to get above ground and to some fresh air.

Lesson #8: If you do go out into the fresh air, restock your water, and get some plastic shopping bags.

Lesson #9: Find an ATM. If you need a cab at this point, you’ll need enough to get home and tip the guy who gets you there safely.

Lesson #10: If the cab driver who got you home safely didn’t complain about the digestive pyrotechnics in his backseat (you were nice enough to be prepared with the plastic bags), tip him well. Very well.

Lesson #11**: Once home safely, pay homage to the porcelain gods, if necessary. Take a shower, drink more water, take 2 analgesics, and go to sleep.  Repeat as needed.

Addendum: Learning all/most/any of these lessons with a pal is definitely the way to go. Thanks, K!

*Awesome East Village spot. Shall remain nameless for now: a. to protect my anonymity; and b. not to sully its reputation by my inability to have a good time stay good.

**I just realized I have two #4s. I guess I didn’t bounce back from last night as cleanly as I thought. 

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This was not me. That would have been cool, though. Photo lovingly borrowed from DeathandTaxesMag.com