Suzanne Sugarbaker to the rescue

I’m a self-hating fat person.

I have friends who might remark, isn’t that every fat person? I have vehemently disagreed with that, and still would. I do know people who are happy with who they are, and aren’t just lying to themselves or the world about it.

Unfortunately, I just might not be one of those people.

Okay, I don’t really *hate* myself. But it seems I don’t want to see myself on tv. Not that I’ve been on tv*. But it turns out, I don’t like seeing people that remind me of me on tv.

I realized this the other day, when I played around with streaming cooking channels on Roku. I loaded up a channel and picked an episode. As the show played, I realized that didn’t want to make this food, and I didn’t want to finish the episode. I couldn’t understand it. I’m usually more into the cooking show when it’s a recipe I’m excited about. After a while, i realized that what was happening was I didn’t want to watch this woman, relatively my size, in relatively similar home surroundings, make food that I would normally try to make myself.

It was a little strange, feeling this way, and a lot shameful. Was it her I didn’t want to look at? Or myself? I’m not afraid to call myself out on my weaknesses – carbs and laziness. I’m not proud of it, but I also don’t hate myself. Maybe I’m ready to stick to doing something about my health. I just wish it was due to a more affirming life event than feeling embarrassed that I might be a more shallow person than I realized.

To come to terms to my discovery – growth, I would hope – I turned to that ever-rich well of wisdom – 1980s television

Post Script:

I looked back at the other cooking shows I enjoyed, The Barefoot ContessaLidia’s Italian-American Kitchen, Nigella Bites, and I thought again about the body imagery portrayed by these women. They were nothing like Everyday italian‘s Giada De Laurentiis (whom, I’m ashamed to admit, I’ve secretly skinny-shamed by referring to as Skinny Big Head). Yet, I am enamored by their shows, recipes and cookbooks. I thought about it for a while, and tried to figure out what was so aspirational about them. Another a light bulb went off. It wasn’t their looks, it was their lifestyle.

Maybe I’m not a self-hating fat person. I’m a self-hating lower middle class person.

I guess that’s a blog post for another day….

*I have been on local cable access in Lexington, KY, testifying for 45 minutes before City Council. I don’t suppose that counts?