The humiliation of premature elimination; or, how I pooped my pants today.

No breakfast.

Lunch at 2pm: 2 cups strong diner coffee, cheeseburger deluxe, buffalo dipping sauce for the fries.

Aaack! We have to pay our rent today! Why does the sweet little old Italian couple insist we pay them in cash?!?!?

Uh-oh. Stomach’s a-gurgling. I can make it home. Just a quick errand to run.

Wait! Why are our evil fiscal overlords saying that we have exceeded our ATM withdrawal limits for the day? Saturday and Sunday are two different days!!!

I’m okay. I can make it. One more stop.

Who told them about our secret strategy where we go to multiple machines to trick them into forking over OUR OWN MONEY?!?!?!

Double uh-oh. Visions of Rod Stewart on South Park dance in my head.

Why is there a construction closure on every other street on my way home?

Why do I follow all driving rules?

Why do I brake for pedestrians?

Why isn’t there parking anywhere near our apartment?

Why can’t I find my keys?

There I am on my stoop, keys a-janglin somewhere in my bag.

Uh. Oh. This. Is. Happening.

The house is quiet. Except for me, clenched, squishing up the stairs.

Happy Sunday, everyone.

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