September
02
Tags
Child-free/less-ness and the New Social Leprosy
Image courtesy of Three Dog Bakery (click image for link)
I am not a parent.
I love kids. I have the funniest niece and nephew in the world.
I feel neither unfulfilled, nor superior for never having passed a mucous plug.
I do, however, miss my friends.
I am not being selfish.
I am not asking you to troll Williamsburg dive bars to play skee-ball until 3am.
I am asking if you want to grab coffee, or if you want me to come over and hang out with you and your kid.
Hell, I’m asking if I can ever meet your kid.
I’m even willing to borrow said niece or nephew, so you don’t have creepy non-parents hanging around your kid’s Pump It Up party.
I think I am empathetic enough, and have been a good enough friend, where you shouldn’t dare say, “You don’t understand. You don’t have kids.” Don’t say that. That’s harsh. And you didn’t appreciate it, either, when you didn’t have kids.
I miss you.
If you’re a parent and don’t know me yet, and we have the opportunity to strike up a friendship, don’t distrust me because I don’t have kids. I’m not creepy. I can recognize you as a parent and as a person. I can like you for both.
If you’re a parent and don’t know me yet, don’t write me off because I don’t have kids. I come in handy: I’m free to babysit in a jam. I’m free to pick you up at the airport. I’ve already had the chicken pox. When you tell me awesome stories about your kids, I won’t interrupt you with how my kid is even more awesome. When you want to complain about your kids, I won’t judge. I, too, think they are loud. And sticky.
Give me a chance to miss you too.
As a nearly empty nester I aspire to be childless–if only seasonally. What prompted this missive?
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Got together with another non-parent couple, and the conversation turned to the phenomenon of parent friends (not all of them) treating us with hesitation, pity, or not at all.
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There is an awkwardness between couples who heretofore were friendly (cannot say close cuz not privy to that) where know starts reproducing and the other does not. Sometimes the couple with children don’t want to impose their sometimes ill-behaved offspring on others. Especially when there’s no other rugrat around.
When we first had kids we were already I suburbs and worked in the city. However we really didn’t know anyone other than neighbors who were much older. Sometimes you feel like you’re on an island and nobody understands what you are going through. When you are single or childless you feel like you’re often in control of your life. Once babies appear that facade is ripped away and u feel foolish that you could ever feel that way.
Sometimes you don’t know the childless couple very well and you aren’t in the know as to why they don’t have kids. Is it on principle? Are they waiting? Is it economics? Is it physiological? Or are they simply too self obsessed to share their time and love for someone other than their spouse/partner? Each question is laden with judgment or pity or concern or just awkwardness. For most of our friends it was just a matter of time and finances. But one couple had let us know when we were in college that they had no intention of having children. We have accepted their pronouncement at face value without ever asking why. Cuz it’s simply what works for them.
But the number one reason we stopped hanging out with childless couples was that we both had careers and we were too fucking tired to hand out with much of anyone. When they got to school age and did the sports thing that are up every minute of free time we had…for about 16 years (4 year spread from kid 1 to kid 3).
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Fair enough.
“When you are single or childless you feel like you’re often in control of your life. Once babies appear that facade is ripped away and u feel foolish that you could ever feel that way.”
So, if it’s all a facade that falls away when you have kids, and I never have kids, does a bear still poop in the woods?
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The facade is that you can still be in control of things. Poor writing on my part. My post was not meant to be judgmental at all I hope I wasn’t conceying that. I was hoping to appear reflective. And maybe provide some explanation for how one’s social behavior can Change in the face of fundamentally life altering circumstances. Maybe that comes across as condescending. Sorry. I can assure you one thing however, had you been my neighbor/friend I would have loved to have had you watch the kid(s) In order to get a night off. But as for dragging my brood to your place I would not want to impose unless you specifically invited us.
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Just re-read my longer post. Should have said “again” re feeling foolish. My bad. I just remember feeling so inept and out of my element in 1992 after our first was born. No manual and no parents around to help. Felt completely at sea and realized how much someone else was dependent on me/us. iPhone not the best vehicle to express feelings I first encountered 22 years ago.
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No worries, didn’t take offense.
Random question: would having iphones when you first had kids have made you a better or worse parent?
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Not sure. Web was in its infancy so if you are talking about access to info I don’t think it would have done much. If you are talking about people who are wedded to their gadgets to the point of ignoring their immediate environment then possibly guilty. But not sure what you were probing about.
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Just wondering, if all this technology to make our lives easier really does.
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This will sound corny and trite but here goes. Being a good parent has zero to do with technology.
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I love this. So well put. Sharing!
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Thanks! I can’t imagine what parents go through…but I would try if it helped! And it isn’t about wishing things never changed. I know they do, I just like the idea of growing old with the people I love!
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We wrote a post on Huffington Post a while ago about the choice of not having kids (well, I inherited two whom I raised but did not give birth – willingly). The venom that was spewed in our direction was beyond anything we could have believed possible. We were not judgmental – just trying to explain that not having children felt like a legitmate choice to us and we didn’t feel our lives were any emptier. You are right – why do barriers get erected when couples have children? (and I am generalizing here – have plenty of friends with kids I happily see on a regular basis).
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There is definitely much less time for friendship once one of you becomes a parent. I am in my late twenties and by now almost everyone has had a child or is in a relationship with someone who has a child and they end up taking on some sort of responsibility. Some people actually do lose themselves in it and that is what bothers me. Who are you? Don’t you have needs and wants of your own?
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I’ve seen people who lose themselves in it and seem to flourish. But some friends try to make it everything they are and seem unhappy at times. I guess there’s a lot of pressure to make “parent” the first (only?) answer to the question, “Who are you?”
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I think for some people being a parent is an escape. They just get to be that and not evaluate themselves further. They don’t have to figure out who they are, because they’re focusing on the child constantly. Quite a distraction. In that way, it’s easy to be a parent.
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